Anger is an interesting emotion and one I have sadly
embraced lovingly like a teddy. When I am angry I have more energy, my anger
drives me to work harder and continues, on and on like a broken record, loopty
loo around I go.
In the past 4 years the main cause of my anger has been
towards my ex-partner. From the beginning it was a very emotional relationship
and continued to grow with a deteriorating force. Giving my all to someone when
the warning signs were there from the start was not a good idea. I was caught
up in a world new to me, consisting of mental and physical abuse, infidelity,
lies and manipulation. I lost friends over it, I upset my family, I lost a lot
of money and I turned violent in response to the violence I received. I stopped
caring for this person therefore hurting them in return, the one who I was 'meant to love'.
I just went along with it all, righteousness took hold of me, I felt I was owed
a better life from this person. I fantasied about
them suffering, having their money stolen or being continuously lied too like I
had, basically I wanted their spirit and self-esteem crushed like mine had been.
I realise that these thought patterns are extremely unhealthy for me and a
total waste of my time, life and energy. We have been apart for nearly a year
now and some days are good and some days aren’t. The days that are good are
when I don’t think about him for an entire day, yippee for small things! Otherwise when I do, feelings of anger,
resentment and disappointment creep in and I get angrier at myself for
allowing this to happen to my brain (Paris would now be doing summersaults or
climbing curtains to distract me at this point which would be a welcome
relief). Mostly I try very hard not to
think of him and I am learning to forgive myself for when I do.
He is a silent contact called IGNORE in my phone so I never
here his SMS or phone calls come through (for an iPhone5 it is a free ringtone you download onto iTunes
called ‘silent ring’) I was going
insane before I applied this. I received this advice from reading someone else’s
break-up blog and I am truly grateful everyday for it as he still contacts me about once a
fortnight with random SMS which I never hear arrive so they don’t disturb my
day (occasionally I will have a read which I must stop doing). My other confession is that I lapsed recently and spoke to him breaking cardinal rule one o
one of breaking up, never make contact! Heart strings pull as I
hear his voice again, the first time in over 5 months. After listening to
him speak for 20 minutes (he loves to go on and on) I was relieved to hear the same old story, he
hasn’t changed one bit and he never will and I am lucky to be away from him! So now it is
time to forgive myself for being human and curious; focus on not thinking of
him so much and celebrate the fact that my life doesn’t have anyone else manipulating my
brain, only me.
I will talk about tattoos next time………….Paris loved catching
butterfly’s so I am collecting them on my back for her to play with!
